Body Painting, The Internet, Football, Fire…What is the Greatest Contribution to Civilization?

For lots of dozens of years there have been flocks of strange people (Galileo, Attila the Hun, Bill Clinton) creating things that no one wanted, such as the Edsel, the Mayan calendar, the condom and the Kardashians.

And then there were magnificent discoveries like the hamburger, the cheeseburger, chile cheese fries, onion rings, porn, the DVR and of course, the time machine.

But what, my friends, was the greatest invention of all time?

I present to you the following candidates (in no particular order) for your consideration and feedback.

Fire – Kills people and sometimes ruins a perfectly good steak

The Fern – Hard to kill, therefore easy to love

Body PaintingThink of it as a FREE temporary bikini!

 Hand Lotion – So many uses

Alcohol – Fueling dragsters as we speak

Electricity – Energy for outdated vaginal appliances and causes fires (see “Fire” above)

Hot Tubs – Well as I understand it, they ARE time machines

Music – Either not loud enough, or too loud!

Koozies – Doubles as a floatation device if you’re drowning (kinda like floaties)

Viagra – After 4 hours and a visit to the ER, doing all the nurses reduces the inflammation

The Internet – It wouldn’t exist without Al Gore, so never mind

Medicine – You got any drugs, man?

Religion – One of my favorites, partly because among religions the only constant is that “God” spelled backwards is “Dog”

Black Light – Not only is it the best way to experience psychedelic without taking acid, but it is also one of the few positive American products that uses the word “Black”.

Paper – If we didn’t have paper there would be no trees!

Hammocks – Highly underrated alternative to sleeping inside a cardboard box

Football – I vote for this one so long as no one that I care about blows my Fantasy game for the week

Spanx – The potential solution to global warming…no wait, obesity. Same thing!

Comedy – I know it’s subjective but I still think it’s the best holistic medicine there is and if you don’t agree with me than maybe I don’t know what holistic means…sorry!


I was a Teenage Terrorist or: How I Survived Tijuana Jail – Part II of III.

To read Part I of this blog serial – highly recommended – click here (Part I).

This is a True Story. ..Continued.

Part II of III (2 of 3)


So I hear this thunderous “clip, clop, clap” and a “whoosh” and I’m waking up face first in the sand and a man is running right at me and leaping OVER me. WTF! Seriously, what just happened? Why did he do that? Did he not see me? Was it a jailbreak? Was he being pursued by an ex-wife or possibly training for the Warrior Dash? Anyway, it startled me awake and after spitting tiny rocks and what appeared to be hermit crab afterbirth out of my mouth, I looked around and was thinking, “Where the HOLY HELL am I?” I collected myself and quickly assessed that I was on a beach. Genius. But there were no signs of life, other than the escapee jogger and something that looked eerily like a UFO on the cliff behind me.

Artist’s rendering

As I roused Coolio-G it started to come back to me. We had traveled several miles, on foot, up the beach, around pointy pieces of land, in the twilight and once we were a safe distance from the local authorities, we passed out. It sounded totally plausible in my head…but two things remained unclear…where was the beer and why was there a flying saucer hovering above me?

What’s wrong with this picture?

It’s an understatement to say that things weren’t going as planned. But we were young and brave and stupid and just knew that better days laid ahead for us. And then Coolio-G realized we weren’t crazy for being optimistic. He remembered why our lives were about to become super awesome again! Why? We were at “Black’s Beach” is why, the world renowned gathering spot for clothing optional, buck naked sun worshippers and a few hippies. That’s right…fantastic and freaky, let it fly, fabric-free frolicking for all! We had front row seats to a daily carnivale of bare boobs, butts and bush. How sweeeeeet is that? Free porn for FOUR DAYS! Four days later, we packed up our stuff and walked back down the beach to La Jolla. Black’s wasn’t a nude beach, it wasn’t even popular. There were no breasts, no bums, no beavers and no aliens. A total rip-off! Honestly, after Day 3, I was praying that a prison fugitive would leap over me again. But I got NOTHING! And you know what; I don’t think we were at Black’s Beach.

Life’s Ambition; Anal Probe Administration

Upon returning to Oasis-Oasis, I was determined to jump into the public fountain/shower but the beach park was filled with a bunch of mouth breathing non extraterrestrial nose blowers. And it totally registered in my head that what I wanted to do would draw considerable attention and not the good kind. But it was so tempting. I mean really, I figured so long as I could resist my stomach’s constant cry to “eat the koi, “eat the koi”, I would be in and out in a few seconds. I was really hungry, so I didn’t risk it.

Sushi anyone?

So we got in the car and got the hell out of there. Wait a second…where did the fucking car go? Oh, sorry…correction, we hitched a ride and picked up Coolio-G’s car at the shop. Needless to say, we were stoked! Who the shit did we think we were, not needing a car? Cars are what give you real freedom, not anal probes, congress, city buses or…feet. So as we sat in the newly repaired, totally badass Coolio-G mobile, it was immediately apparent what we had to do next. Take a bath. I kid; we were so ripe I think we had come full circle to freshly scented again. But you could almost smell what we were thinking and Coolio-G had this look on his face that I had seen before. As I glanced in the rear view mirror and saw myself (or the homeless, street dweller version of myself) staring back at me, I had the same look on my face too.

Tijuana or bust?

Forget the past, live for the future; we were born to be wild! We still had five fucking days left in California and it was time to party like a runaway jackhammer…in TIJUANA! (it’s in Mexico).

What could possibly go wrong?

To be continued…(Part III)