Every day I have to break my brain figuring out what to feed my three kids. Who ever thought that would be the hardest part of parenting. Are you on drugs? NO! Do you drink alcohol? NO! Are you having sex? NO! What do you want to eat? I dunno know?


OK, so who wants a sandwich? (2 of 3)

Who wants a hamburger? (2 of 3)

Who wants pizza? (2 of 3)

How about a salad? (0 of 3)

Seafood? (1 of 3)

Pasta? (3 of 3)…ok now we are making progress. So spaghetti and meatballs for everyone. NO! I don’t like sauce, I don’t like meatballs.  I only want noodles.  I want turkey. I want beef. No spice. @#$%&

Bacon and eggs? I love bacon! I hate bacon! I want scrambled eggs! I want basted eggs! I hate eggs!

Pancakes? I love pancakes! But no syrup but with butter. I love pancakes but only with peanut butter. I hate pancakes! I want waffles! I hate waffles!

Pork? Isn’t that a pig? Pigs are so cute!~

How about Chicken? I want baked! I want fried! I want fingers! I want nuggets!

O.K. then SALAD it is! Bon Appetite!

Body Painting, The Internet, Football, Fire…What is the Greatest Contribution to Civilization?

For lots of dozens of years there have been flocks of strange people (Galileo, Attila the Hun, Bill Clinton) creating things that no one wanted, such as the Edsel, the Mayan calendar, the condom and the Kardashians.

And then there were magnificent discoveries like the hamburger, the cheeseburger, chile cheese fries, onion rings, porn, the DVR and of course, the time machine.

But what, my friends, was the greatest invention of all time?

I present to you the following candidates (in no particular order) for your consideration and feedback.

Fire – Kills people and sometimes ruins a perfectly good steak

The Fern – Hard to kill, therefore easy to love

Body PaintingThink of it as a FREE temporary bikini!

 Hand Lotion – So many uses

Alcohol – Fueling dragsters as we speak

Electricity – Energy for outdated vaginal appliances and causes fires (see “Fire” above)

Hot Tubs – Well as I understand it, they ARE time machines

Music – Either not loud enough, or too loud!

Koozies – Doubles as a floatation device if you’re drowning (kinda like floaties)

Viagra – After 4 hours and a visit to the ER, doing all the nurses reduces the inflammation

The Internet – It wouldn’t exist without Al Gore, so never mind

Medicine – You got any drugs, man?

Religion – One of my favorites, partly because among religions the only constant is that “God” spelled backwards is “Dog”

Black Light – Not only is it the best way to experience psychedelic without taking acid, but it is also one of the few positive American products that uses the word “Black”.

Paper – If we didn’t have paper there would be no trees!

Hammocks – Highly underrated alternative to sleeping inside a cardboard box

Football – I vote for this one so long as no one that I care about blows my Fantasy game for the week

Spanx – The potential solution to global warming…no wait, obesity. Same thing!

Comedy – I know it’s subjective but I still think it’s the best holistic medicine there is and if you don’t agree with me than maybe I don’t know what holistic means…sorry!