How to Win at GOLF! Even if you don’t play

GOLF is unlike any of the other major sports in one significant way.

All the other main sports have defense and offense and whoever scores the most wins!

In Basketball, they used to employ the “four corners “ offense as a defense to keep the other team from scoring baskets. Now days they can’t do this nor can they play defense.

In Baseball, the object of half the game is to keep the other team from scoring runs when they’re at bat, but no matter what you do, you can only score runs when you’re at bat…or drinking beer and playing bouree in the locker room..

In Hockey, whoever wins the most fights and scores the most goals wins. Defense matters, but ultimately the winner is the team that scores the bloodiest goals.

Soccer is exactly the same as Hockey except no one ever scores and thousands of drunk people die.

And Football is the only major sport where you can score on defense. They actually say that “Defense wins championships”. But the truth is that the team that permanently debilitates the most opponent brains and scores the most touchdowns wins championships.

Pool, Darts, Badminton, Jai Alai, Farmville, Poker, Rugby, Bowling, Horseshoes, Words with Friends, Snowboarding, Volleyball, boxing, MMA, Tennis, Angry Birds.  It’s all about scoring!

Now consider GOLF. Golf is about NOT scoring! There is no defense and the object of the offense is to score as little as possible and less than all your opponents.

So I was thinking, when you’re playing golf, why not just not play? Lowest score wins. You score a zero and beat anyone over par. Easily!

I couldn’t have been the first person to think of this. Could I?


The 10 Great Plagues, or: The Nine Slight Inconveniences and Death

Before you proceed, I pray you please understand that I am not a complete expert on religion. As a child, I repeatedly flunked “Introduction to God and Jesus” in church and in grade school I was banned for life from woodshop. My God handicap is 36+. So, the sum total of my knowledge on the subject of the Bible (Both previously owned testament and factory fresh testament) was acquired from reading the first paragraph of a Wikipedia page and watching the trailer for the “Ten Commandments”:

The Ten Plagues (Hebrew: עשר: המכות, Eser Ha-Makot) or the Biblical Plagues, were ten calamities that, according to the biblical Book of Exodus, Israel’s God, Yahweh, were inflicted upon Egypt to persuade Pharaoh to release the ill-treated Israelites from slavery and that Pharaoh capitulated after the tenth plague, triggering the Exodus of the Jewish people.

Additionally, GOD proclaimed that all the gods of Egypt will be judged through the tenth and final plague:

 “On that same night I will pass through Egypt and strike down every firstborn — both men and animals —and I will bring judgment on all the gods of Egypt. I am the LORD”

Yahweh or Fairway?

So I mean no offense when I say, “OMG! What were you thinking?” God’s plague party was equivilent to giving Pharaoh nine mulligans off the first tee at Augusta. NINE! I understand it’s a tough reach and a dogleg but not even Sergio Garcia would need that many do-overs! Additionally, my crack research team (me) revealed that 9 out of 10 biblical caddies recommend avoiding both the sand traps and plagues by hitting a strong fade.

“It’s in the Holy!”

Anyway, why didn’t God throw some major shit at Pharaoh like CHOLERA, MALARIA, AIDS, DEEP POT BUNKERS, THYPHUS, SMALLPOX or GINGIVITAS? Don’t cha think Yul Brynner would have capitulated much sooner if God had tossed some Ebola Virus his way? Was it merely creative lapse? Laziness? Three-two beer? Look, I don’t mean to be blasphemous here but I could have come up with much better plagues than the Almighty did…TOTALLY SOBER!

Let my people golf!

So as a point of reference, here are the completely lame Plagues from God (or his BFF Charleton Heston) that were intended to get Pharaoh to cry “uncle”…

  1. Blood (ok that’s kinda bad. Try a tourniquet, a mop or “Carpet Magic”.)

  2. Frogs (Hello? “Compound W!”)

  3. Gnats (Ever heard of “OFF”?)

  4. Flies (fly swatter, bug zapper, chopsticks?)

  5. Pestilence (I don’t know what that is)

  6. Boils (antibiotics, duh!)

  7. Hail (You’re kidding right? It’s just weather! Why not a Tsunami?)

  8. Locusts (Yard Guard Fogger! Twin pack.)

  9. Darkness (Did somebody forget to pay the electric bill?)

  10. Death of the Firstborn (like I said, they had nine swings before the children got involved! Didn’t have to happen.)

Locust pizza, anyone?

So, Pharaoh is watching all this shit go down around him and he’s like,

“Hey G-Man, sorry but I have this ringing in my ears ever since Golden Cow Hempapalooza 600 B.C., so can you repeat what you said the other day? Something about plaque or plagues? ‘Cause if it’s plaque then there is no shortage of that here already. And you know as well as I do that people lose teeth faster than their virginity in these parts and halitosis is more common than intestinal gas! Oh, PLAGUES, got it. I guess that explains all the FROGS. I must say that if you made it rain RUBBER SNAKES I would have been more intimated. So question…how many more of these pranks are you gonna pull? Ten total? So that’s 1,2,3,4…8 more. Well, you need to get more creative ‘cause I’m not doing anything until children start dying or monkeys fly up our butts. Yea, I know, I borrowed that one from you. Sue me! Anyway, what ya got?”

It is better to die in battle with a God, than to three putt after reaching a par 4 in two!

So you see, Yul Brynner wasn’t a complete wussy. He just needed God to punch him the face. If I was in charge, the 10 Great Plagues would have been “THE ONE TOTALLY BADASS PLAGUE”. I would have thrown something so wicked mean at Pharaoh that he would have soiled his entire kilt ensemble and…the Israelites / Egyptians / Jews / chosen people / anyone else who wants to be included or excluded would have been freed from bondage. And most importantly, no firstborns would have been harmed during the making of this film.

But nobody asked for my input. Typical.

May your balls fly long and straight this coming Easter Sunday…and watch out for deadly frogs!


Rabbit, rabbit!