THINGS THAT YOU SHOULDN’T DO WHILE DRIVING: Or, cell phone + lipstick = Hot Chick

There is so much chatter these days about how we should ban cell phones in cars ’cause they put people in a daze. Well, I disagree! Humbly!

Not that accidents don’t occur when people talk on their phones, while driving, just that it’s not the cell phones fault and my points just arriving…it’s the humans..for those of you who might not know, it’s another word for person or man and woman or even HO! OK, now that you know, let’s talk about cosmetics and nevermind prosthetics…women are masters of their domain and don’t forget it!

And speaking of stars, I’ve seen many ladies driving and getting dolled up in their cars.

“No problem… I’ve flown a rocket into space.

So give me sum room ‘cause I’m puttin’ butter on my face.

 Driving 30 miles per hour in a school zone.

I may be naughty, hey, but I’m not alone.

Looking good is what’s important, it’s my daily drill,

 So get outta my way because I have a really good lawyer”

And I know we all hate traffic, we’re in a hurry because school is out. With soccer, football, vollyball and chess, regardless, when it comes to the peddle we cannot give it a rest. But when we think of school and fundamentals, then some of of us have figured out how to just chill out. Or are we just nerds or as Dr. Seuss would say,  Flurpitty gerds?!

“Reading is fundamental,

For some it’s also kinda mental

Reading and driving makes sense

Brake light, CRAP, now I lost my sentence.”

We all get hungry. It’s a fact. But what do you do when you’re on the road and need a snack? I do the drive-thru and get my double-on and supersize everything…including bling….and also overfilling this section of my blog in order to avoid editing.

“Hey, I’m hungry, lets’ go to McDoughnalds!”

“Hey, after Micky-D’s let’s go to that club where all the guys please.

 OK, but hold the wheel for me while I eat my fries and cheese.  

Sure, oh shit, I dropped my nugget,


On the fuckinn floor next to your wallet,

Fuckit…I don’t own a wallet, bitch

Well, It must be your boyfriend’s, you twat… I’ve gotta drive

Just watch the fucking road while I eat my fucking fries”

Rock and pop music is the spawn of the devil!

“I didn’t actually coin that phrase

but I believe in it because kids these days

when they’re having fun driving, singing, gyrating and chewing gum

Everyone else is fucking pissed off at other drivers being dumb

Sometimes you just gotta ignore the cramps,

And push it, push it…turn up the amps!”

Let’s not disrespect the rockers and poppers with their amazing bouncing cars and supersonic bass sounds that will shatter all your jars. They deserve to be exalted for their unique ability to drive their vehicle as though they are sitting on their knees (err couch) watching Tosh.0 with a bong in one hand and fire rainbows when they pee.

That’s all I have to say for now. Peace out!


A Rolling Stone gathers no moss…Sponsored by AstroGlide personal lubricant!

So as a new member of the EMP (Experience Music Project), I get a free one-year subscription to Rolling Stone, the magazine. It’s hard to believe but it was way back in college when I was last an active subscriber and reader of this fantastic mag. I remember removing all the covers and papering my wall in a collage of rock ‘n’ roll stars and other celebrities. Sadly, I tossed my collection away years ago when I decided to stop hoarding. Self-intervention is hard, but satisfying.

So I crack open my first edition of RS in years and my head was spinning…in a good way. Here is a summary of Issue 1157.

Midgets (sorry, less-than-tall-people)

Hatfields and McCoys (How to hate your neighbors)

Christina Aguilera (needs to push away from the all-you-can-eat buffet)

My Ray-Ban Wayfarers are back in style (whoo hoo…Spring Break 2013 here I come)

Adam Yauch died (So watcha, watcha, watcha want?)

Aerosmith is gonna walk this way again (just gimme a kiss)

Iggy Pop looks like a snowboarder (on crack)

Tim McGraw is one lucky bastard (photo evidence included)

Pot is more popular than ever (just legalize it already)

Adam Lambert has a really steep driveway (that’s what he said)

Advertisers spend a ton of money on cell phone ads (I only need one, thanks)

Lionel Ritchie…the next Charlie Pride? (the rebel commadores?)

Male models sure wear a lot of oil on their skin (shiney!)

Stone Temple Pilots are Reuniting (Hard “Core”!)

Marilyn Manson is still alive (who knew?)

Julia Louis-Dreyfus is the first V.P. that I would bang (excuse me President Clinton, can I borrow your desk for a few minutes?)

Jersey Shores characters  are still newsworthy (move along, there’s nothing to see here)

You can now ski atop your Ben & Jerry’s Frozen Yogurt (lift ticket not included)

Cameras are trying to compete with cell phones (snap…good luck)

Rihanna looks pretty hot in a bikini and cowboy hat (yee haw!)

Kim Kardashian can only hide her huge ass by wearing black at night (can also be seen from a satellite)

Nicki Minaj is an alien (the truth is out there!)

Jack White is my new god (check out this thrash festival)

Ron Wood is still alive (I think)

Lady Gaga has now entered the Dr. Seuss zone! (purple gurple slurple durple…and ham)

Peter Dinklage is short in stature but tall in talent (and ego)

Dave Thomas’s daughter “Wendy” looks like she gets high on her own supply (if ya know what I mean)

If you want a sex change…first thing you do is tell your wife. (fuck her first, then tell her.)

Cigarettes cause cancer…electronic or not (neck holes are not attractive)

Our Gov’t is broken (Bat signal!!!!)

John Mayer got top rating for his new album (now if he would just keep his mouth shut, we could enjoy his singing)

Willie Nelson is still alive (and awesome)

I love the beach…but never the Beach Boys (I don’t know how to explain myself)

I bet good money that Shirley Manson would be a honey badger in the sack! (Grrrr)

Tom Hanks’ wife can apparently sing (probably the only thing Tom can’t do)

Elvis lives (through his daughter)

The Red Hot Chili Peppers are back (and absurd as usual)

Batman has a six-pack to go with his cowl (Christopher Nolan is also a god)

Comic book super heroes have taken over the world (it’s about time…please fix everything before 12.21.12)

Johnny Depp teams up with Tim Burton (it’s about time!)

Charlize Theron kicks Kristen Stewarts’ ass in every possible way possible…way! (way!)

Ridley Scott is not an Alien…but he is out of this world (Bladerunner sequel/prequel…YES!)

Tom Cruise has a sense of humor and little ego (take note all you young’uns wanting to be famous)

So when women are naked etc. it’s exploitation…but now that men are doing it’s O.K. (dictionary…looking up “double standard”)

Pixar doesn’t screw up a movie for the gazillionth time (Are they hiring?)

Astroglide is “slick good fun” (I just bought a tub full)

Stub Hub wants you to buy concert tickets from them (like we really have a choice)

Miracle Whip is taking the fight to Mayonnaise…where is Col. Mustard when you need him?

Siri just told me to stop typing…