Observations of an Occasional Parent (OOPs)
The TOP TEN things I’ve LEARNED as a PARENT…so far
1) Don’t have any children.
2) If you fail at Step #1, then stop having unprotected sex.
3) Know where your children are at all times, UNLESS you’re busy doing something more important.
4) Feed your children before, during and after they’re hungry by pouring everything they like into a FEEDING TROUGH…repeat once per week/month.
5) Sleep with one eye open and one bathing in a soothing blend of triple filtered VODKA eye wash.
6) Always have your children stand next to a box of “FREE KITTENS” just on the off chance that someone will accidently adopt one of them (the children that is).
7) Write each child’s name on a colorful, plastic bucket and tell them that everything they will ever get should fit inside it.
8) Take “vacations” to desolate, impoverished lands and constantly remind your children that, “This is your FUTURE unless you get a job”.
9) Hire a HOT nanny to watch your kids and then get her HOT MILF to take you to Hawaii for a month.
10) Change all the calendars in your home to two decades ahead and then tell your children that it’s time they move out and make something of themselves. Then repeat #9…except this time with the NANNY.