Before you proceed, I pray you please understand that I am not a complete expert on religion. As a child, I repeatedly flunked “Introduction to God and Jesus” in church and in grade school I was banned for life from woodshop. My God handicap is 36+. So, the sum total of my knowledge on the subject of the Bible (Both previously owned testament and factory fresh testament) was acquired from reading the first paragraph of a Wikipedia page and watching the trailer for the “Ten Commandments”:
The Ten Plagues (Hebrew: עשר: המכות, Eser Ha-Makot) or the Biblical Plagues, were ten calamities that, according to the biblical Book of Exodus, Israel’s God, Yahweh, were inflicted upon Egypt to persuade Pharaoh to release the ill-treated Israelites from slavery and that Pharaoh capitulated after the tenth plague, triggering the Exodus of the Jewish people.
Additionally, GOD proclaimed that all the gods of Egypt will be judged through the tenth and final plague:
“On that same night I will pass through Egypt and strike down every firstborn — both men and animals —and I will bring judgment on all the gods of Egypt. I am the LORD”
So I mean no offense when I say, “OMG! What were you thinking?” God’s plague party was equivilent to giving Pharaoh nine mulligans off the first tee at Augusta. NINE! I understand it’s a tough reach and a dogleg but not even Sergio Garcia would need that many do-overs! Additionally, my crack research team (me) revealed that 9 out of 10 biblical caddies recommend avoiding both the sand traps and plagues by hitting a strong fade.
Anyway, why didn’t God throw some major shit at Pharaoh like CHOLERA, MALARIA, AIDS, DEEP POT BUNKERS, THYPHUS, SMALLPOX or GINGIVITAS? Don’t cha think Yul Brynner would have capitulated much sooner if God had tossed some Ebola Virus his way? Was it merely creative lapse? Laziness? Three-two beer? Look, I don’t mean to be blasphemous here but I could have come up with much better plagues than the Almighty did…TOTALLY SOBER!
So as a point of reference, here are the completely lame Plagues from God (or his BFF Charleton Heston) that were intended to get Pharaoh to cry “uncle”…
Blood (ok that’s kinda bad. Try a tourniquet, a mop or “Carpet Magic”.)
Frogs (Hello? “Compound W!”)
Gnats (Ever heard of “OFF”?)
Flies (fly swatter, bug zapper, chopsticks?)
Pestilence (I don’t know what that is)
Boils (antibiotics, duh!)
Hail (You’re kidding right? It’s just weather! Why not a Tsunami?)
Locusts (Yard Guard Fogger! Twin pack.)
Darkness (Did somebody forget to pay the electric bill?)
Death of the Firstborn (like I said, they had nine swings before the children got involved! Didn’t have to happen.)
So, Pharaoh is watching all this shit go down around him and he’s like,
“Hey G-Man, sorry but I have this ringing in my ears ever since Golden Cow Hempapalooza 600 B.C., so can you repeat what you said the other day? Something about plaque or plagues? ‘Cause if it’s plaque then there is no shortage of that here already. And you know as well as I do that people lose teeth faster than their virginity in these parts and halitosis is more common than intestinal gas! Oh, PLAGUES, got it. I guess that explains all the FROGS. I must say that if you made it rain RUBBER SNAKES I would have been more intimated. So question…how many more of these pranks are you gonna pull? Ten total? So that’s 1,2,3,4…8 more. Well, you need to get more creative ‘cause I’m not doing anything until children start dying or monkeys fly up our butts. Yea, I know, I borrowed that one from you. Sue me! Anyway, what ya got?”
So you see, Yul Brynner wasn’t a complete wussy. He just needed God to punch him the face. If I was in charge, the 10 Great Plagues would have been “THE ONE TOTALLY BADASS PLAGUE”. I would have thrown something so wicked mean at Pharaoh that he would have soiled his entire kilt ensemble and…the Israelites / Egyptians / Jews / chosen people / anyone else who wants to be included or excluded would have been freed from bondage. And most importantly, no firstborns would have been harmed during the making of this film.
But nobody asked for my input. Typical.
May your balls fly long and straight this coming Easter Sunday…and watch out for deadly frogs!