NOTE: If you choose to participate after reading, then submit your “comment” including your made-up imaginary state name for the state of your birth and/or your current residency…or Puerto Rico.
This past summer, I took a road trip across a significant slice of the United States with my oldest son. Along the way we played a game called “Collect the State License Plates”. However, since we didn’t properly equip ourselves with a high speed bucket truck, night vision goggles and a screwdriver we were unable to actually “collect” the plates (we tried with incident) and instead merely wrote them down in a running log. During our seven day journey, we spotted 40 different U.S. state plates (if you count Saskatchewan) and we had a blast doing so. I also found it to be an especially effective intervention tool for my son’s serious Nintendo DS addiction.
So the other day I was reminiscing about our fantastic concrete voyage and as I was examining the travel atlas it dawned upon me that a lot of the states were shaped similarly. And I started thinking that if the states had been named by their SHAPE, instead of a U.S. President, world explorer or vanquished inhabitants, then a majority of them would have been called either “Malformed Rectangle” or, I don’t know, let’s say…“Directional Genitalia”.
So as I thumbed through the atlas, I tossed back several cans of battery acid along with some “vitamins” and just before I stumbled upon unconsciousness, I recalled the adventurous and historical passages of Stephen Ambrose’s “Undaunted Courage”. The vision of undiscovered America provided me with comfort, as if it were an awaiting quilted blanket and goose down pillow inside my cardboard box. And then I slept. And in my sleep I had a dream.
A dream in which Thomas Jefferson summoned me to the White House (or Monticello…it was large and white) and commanded me to officially rename all the States (as well as ALL the ones that hadn’t been discovered yet) based upon their geographic boundaries or anything randomly interesting that came to mind. I accepted TJ’s assignment and then humbly inquired if I would be accompanying Lewis and Clark on their upcoming expedition. His answer was an emphatic “YES!” and before I could speak he continued, “However, you do realize that you forgot to study for the final exam and you’re buck naked”.
C-R-A-P, not again!
Regardless, I took my directives, met up with Lewis & Clark and went to work.
OLD STATE NAME NEW STATE NAME
- Alabama Hornlabia
- Alaska Doubleanchorplug
- Arizona Analleakioh
- Arkansas Hemorrhoidias
- California Brokebackenstein
- Colorado Parallelaville
- Connecticut Dickslavia
- Delaware Frenchtickula
- Florida Flacidong
- Georgia Whamalamadingleberry
- Hawaii Islandalot
- Idaho Penistato
- Illinois Fistobuttopia
- Indiana Toejamalick
- Iowa Tumorbadowang
- Kansas Crotchcornavakia
- Kentucky Rectalsaw
- Louisiana Bungbooty
- Maine Shrivelnut
- Maryland Hangbalacock
- Massachusetts Cape Vagina
- Michigan Asscrackastan
- Minnesota Bellnipple
- Mississippi Bonerabulge
- Missouri Clipendula
- Montana Wrectanguland
- Nebraska Meltochoclomesia
- Nevada Paperjamitdam
- New Hampshire Newfoundphallus
- New Jersey Fartempleshore
- New Mexico Simexadobe
- New York Yosuckenapple
- North Carolina Circumciseika
- North Dakota North Notasquare
- Ohio Skintagewan
- Oklahoma Potmeltingham
- Oregon Duckwannapee
- Pennsylvania Squirtmonkeehole
- Rhode Island Foreskinalot
- South Carolina South Intrauterine
- South Dakota Notasquareagain
- Tennessee Tittyrhombushire
- Texas Texmexticle
- Utah Mendooacoconut
- Vermont Piledrivendille
- Virginia New Hamnotch
- Washington Seayaktacospokymia
- West Virginia West Incestagas
- Wisconsin Forkoshkoshmagoo
- Wyoming Queefesliceacheese
Several dream years later upon completion of our journey, I sent my report to T.J. Efferson (my secret code name for the President) by FEDPEX (Federal Pony Express, of course) and then relaxed with my nightly companion in the glory of the west coast sunset.
As I gradually emerged from my dream, I could still feel the lingering tingle of my feet dangling in the Columbia River and it was fulfilling. I had accomplished my directive, achieved my quest, hit a homerun…so it was natural that I also felt great pride in my one additional, unsolicited contribution (my gift to America) of renaming the Pacific Ocean…“Climaximass”…in honor of my passionate companion and our travel guide, Sacagawea (i.e. “Nice Rack, Talks Too Much”).
Submit your “comment” below if you choose. If you’re game, include your made-up imaginary state name for the state of your birth and/or current residency…or Guam. Thanks for playing!
ghfool
Ehh, my attempt for Illinois-
sidewaysbulge
and thanks for linking your graphics to Youtube nat’l lampoon videos!
Ha! I like it! Three syllables is almost always funnier than two. Thanks for reading!