Pet Peeves of the Obliviously Maladjusted Dysfunctional: Is abnormal this year’s normal?

     A less familiar take on a familiar theme.

All of us “normal” people have been driving on the highway before and encountered some idiot traveling in the passing lane at the speed of customer service…and it flipping pisses us off! And all of us have been in a movie theatre when someone won’t deactivate their nacho hole during the feature film. And all of us have been standing in line at someplace that put actual forethought into their customer channeling process when someone else cluelessly bypasses the “main” line and joins one of the “branch” lines ahead of us. WTF is wrong with these people??? Anyway, the examples are endless and the subject of pet peeves is so common that I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that pet peeves are widely discussed as the pet peeves of some people who are highly active pet peevers.

Can I have one of my fries please?

So the other day I was at a restaurant with a friend, and when our food arrived the first thing she did was reach across the table and grab one of my french fries. Before I even had time to locate the ketchup bottle.  I was like, “Excuse me. What do you think you are doing?”, and her response was, “What? They look good!”. So I naturally said “Well then why didn’t you order fries”? to which she replied “Because I don’t eat fried food.” I was shocked and annoyed. So I got to thinking, what it would be like to think like an idiot. So we talked about it and she apologized and we made passionate love together by a nearby stream. NO, stop, sorry I don’t know how that got in there. Anyway, afterward I was pondering the “incident” that occurred during our meal and became ultra-curious about what goes through the mind of someone who does things unknowingly that pisses everyone else off. So I decided to charge my crack research team (me) with the task of uncovering the most universally common pet peeves of the obliviously maladjusted dysfunctional…by asking the first 15 people I saw at a local flea market.

(This is an unscientific poll conducted by an unfunded organization. Margin of error is +/- 99%.)

Excuse me sir/miss/ma’m/you – I noticed that you were walking on the left side of the aisle into the path of people that were walking in the opposite direction towards you on that same side. Why do you do that and what is YOUR #1 pet peeve?

Joe K – I’m not sure what a peeve is but I hates it when pets get all hungry and want ya to feed ‘em! I say get it yourself ya stupid mutt!

Bubba B – We were having a campfire in our front yard the other night and the fire department came and sprayed water all over the dead bodies. Same thing happened to a neighbor last week and the week before. It’s just plain wrong.

Ruby O – Three hours afer my 20 friends and us finish our meal at this restrant, the waitress give us our check an it say that the tip was “included” and I was all like “What the fuck is this, bitch? We don’t got no fucking money for no fucking tip!” So we left and didn’t pay nothing!

Beauda F – I don’t know how many times I have parked my car and opened the door and someone in the car next to me gets all in my face because the side of their car was hit when it got in the way of my door. People can be so inconsiderate. Parking spots are so narrow these days that it’s almost impossible to get out of the door of an Escalade with three buckets of chicken in your arms. I’m parking in handicap spots from now on.

Phil R – One of my favorite things to do when I go to a party at someone’s house is to find someone who I can have a deep conversation with. But there is always the asshole host that gets all pissed off when you keep blocking the only doorway to the living room. I mean, take a pill. So I get back at them by sleeping with their daughters.

Candy K – My pet peeve is when this other girl has a chip in her fingernail polish and is standing next to me and she’s like “whatever” and I’m like “whatever” and…

Carl R – There are three kinds of people in the world: 1) Me; 2) Them; and 3) Us. Them and Us are always asking me questions. I don’t like questions.

I come from Planet USUCK!

John C – I hate robots. They talk weird. Whenever they speak to me and my girlfriend, Cybra, they say things that are super offensive. For example, they say “Greetings, are you a robot?” Can you believe that? It’s so racist and insensitive! 

Pearl E – I love movies, but I don’t care for science fiction stuff. How do they know about the future? It hasn’t happened yet! In the future, there are no people so how can people make a movie about something that they aren’t in? It’s so obvious and irritating! And I also hate westerns. It’s just like science fiction except with horses. Like that will ever happen. Idiots!

Jill S – Pet peeves, huh. Well, I get very annoyed when people think they know everything. Like just a few minutes ago, there was this woman standing in line at the bookstore who was buying a calendar. So what’s up with that? Has she already read every book in the store? I don’t think so! I almost slapped her.

Tom E – Pet peeves are stupid and there ain’t nothing bothers me more than stupid peoples.

Kim K – I was with my BFF the other day and she looked at me and said,”OMG, I’ve experienced this exact same moment before.” People that believe in Deja Vu make me want to puke. And there is no way that she was having one of those dumb Déjà Vu things anyway because we were right here at the flea market like we always are on weekends.

Roz N – There is nothing that bothers me more than people that smoke and then get mad when you ask them if you can bum a couple of sticks off of them. It’s not like I can’t afford my own, I just happen to be out because I smoked a pack more than usual that night. Big fucking deal. People like that are so rude!

Hal O – People with no hair bug me so much. “Oh, I’m better than you! Look at me, I have a nice shiny skull.” Grow some hair asshole!

Drip, drip, drip!

Shannon T – It seems that every time I go into a public bathroom I hear nothing but the sound of flushing toilets and so I shout out “Number One, more work to be done. Number Two, just let it stew!” And the women look at me like I just washed my hands. Don’t these people know that global warming is causing a water shortage!

Do you know anyone that is off their rocker? If you have any idea what they are thinking, then let me know.


4 comments on “Pet Peeves of the Obliviously Maladjusted Dysfunctional: Is abnormal this year’s normal?

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